How to Achieve Radical Acceptance
Expanding On Your Skills.
Sometimes I get creative bursts while I’m in session with a client. The majority of the time this space is theirs- it’s sacred and all of my attention and focus belongs to them. But every now and again I’ll be inspired by something they’ve said, or a thought that arose while they’re sharing their perspective, that drives me to want to share it with the world.
I love therapy. I love the idea of supporting clients by collaborating with them to figure out how best to improve (or understand) the experiences we have in life. I like helping clients discover new patterns of thinking. I like teaching how to communicate effectively within the context of the cultural humility framework. I like encouraging tolerance and habituation to uncomfortable emotions and varied perspectives. Because that’s life. Life will throw curveballs that will inspire all sorts of uncomfortable emotions. And it all begins with acceptance.
How many times have you heard someone mention acceptance and felt personally attacked by this? It makes sense if defensiveness was your first response, because of the way we view “acceptance”. Most consider this word to mean “liking” or “condoning” reality. This is not true! Acceptance simply means to stop raging against the machine of your life. Reality simply is, and will continue to be, until something changes it. The idea of acceptance is to accept the here and now with intention (if you want to) to change or alter it later (if it can be). The very thought of laying down your pitch fork and riding the wave of your experience is in and of itself, radical.
How does one achieve this monastic level of radical acceptance, you ask? Well, you first have to start with understanding why accepting reality is necessary and helpful. It’s inherently necessary because you cannot actually enact change without accepting reality and your current situation (that is in need of change!). It’s also helpful as the act of rejecting reality does not actually change it. At its core, radical acceptance is letting go of control. More specifically, it’s letting go of perceived control over an experience that you actually have no control over. It’s a terrifying thing.
After you’ve decided this is helpful and necessary, we must then increase our awareness of when we’re not accepting reality.
How do you even know?!
Typically speaking, any time the word “should” or “shouldn’t” is present, you might not be accepting reality. If you’re sending memes to your ex on Instagram and they’ve left you on read, and you continue to do so hoping they’ll eventually respond, chances are you’re not accepting reality. This adds suffering to pain, which is inherently unnecessary and unhelpful. Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is not.
After we have realized we’re rejecting reality, try reminding yourself that reality “is what it is” and that you cannot change it at this moment in time. This might seem incredibly silly and potentially counterintuitive to the whole “therapy thing”, but I promise you these types of mantras are helpful as they introduce flexibility via cognitive restructuring. If you can repeatedly engage in negative self-talk wherein you internalize it “as a fact” (which we will deal with in another article), then you can continually remind yourself that you cannot change reality.
One of my favorite skills to engage in to help along radical acceptance is Opposite Action. This is the idea that you do the exact opposite of whatever urges you might have. Feel so angry you want to punch the wall? Pet a stuffed animal instead, or get creative with something. Compassion and creativity rather than destructiveness could serve you better in the long run. In terms of helping radical acceptance, try to make a list of all of the behaviors you would do if you could accept the facts- and then do them! The act of engagement will further the experience of radical acceptance, as they will be “the opposite” of the urges you have when you’re not accepting reality.
Another skill that could be helpful would be Coping Ahead. This is equal parts imaginal and solutions focused, as part of this skill is the ability to imagine what it would be like to accept what is feeling unacceptable. This includes rehearsal of what you would do if you were to accept the reality of your situation. Similar to Opposite Action, we’re planning to cope with the situation as if we are accepting it. This can be helpful as a meta experience in allowing for the ability to sit with these experiences and practice acceptance.
At the end of the day, accepting reality is the ultimate goal for ending suffering. It is not always easy, and it won’t always be accomplished quickly or completely. The idea is to continue with the notion that we are ever evolving and we can continue to grow rather than stay stagnant within our pain. Remember, pain is unavoidable. Suffering is not.
