Ambivalence and the Art of Motivation

Challenge Yourself.

This past month has been an overload of emotional garbage that festers in the soul and oozes out in times of interpersonal conflict… I mean, connection. You guessed it folks; it’s the holiday season and I’m helping to support with the aftermath.

Honestly, sometimes I get so irritable during this time of year on behalf of all my clients that I feel like screaming… all the time. There’s something about the holiday season wherein schools semesters are ending, family gatherings are happening (or not happening), and the weather is pulling us all down. People are struggling. Whether it’s with emotion regulation, navigating interpersonal concerns, or dealing with triggering experiences.

Although there are many topics I’d like to cover today- normalization and validation, commercialization of a holiday and the intersection of people of color and other low-income groups, even family itself and the use of helpful and healthy social support… instead, today I’m going to try to help explain (and conquer?) the one aspects of the holidays (and therapy for that matter) that might be the most relevant to me at this time.

Ambivalence.

You heard it, folks… ambivalence. You might be asking yourself, what the heck does that mean and why is this woman always using this jargon?! Well, you’d be right my friend. I use this jargon because it’s helpful for you all, the consumer, my fellow human beans, to know and understand how it can help and harm you. And also to impress your own therapist, should you ever want to bring it up to them!

Ambivalence is the therapeutic equivalent to hitting a wall. It’s the idea that you know you need help and need to change, but you just can’t muster the motivation to do so. It’s one of the most frustrating human experiences I deal with in the therapeutic space- and it runs rampant particularly during this time of year. No one truly knows why; it’s merely a state of “stuck-ness” wherein clients recognize their concerns and yet find it easier? comforting? to remain this way.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Ambivalence is a tricky, multifaceted experience that would create struggle even in the strongest of wills. At its core it suggests indecision and uncertainty, and is derived from “tension between opposing beliefs, desire, or goals”. Plainly said, it’s like the quintessential Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t struggle that freezes any and all that might experience it.

For example, you know that your desire to be respected in your relationship is a priority, but you know the constant fights about it are damaging. Essentially your desire for a happy and healthy relationship is opposing your need to maintain self-respect on your terms. Before you know it, you’ve had the same fight everyday for two weeks and you’re feeling clueless and trapped about how to escape this veritable Groundhog Day scenario.

This is typically where I come in. Perhaps it’s personality; perhaps it’s the cultural/sub-cultural upbringing I had… Regardless, I’m a sucker for solutions-focused therapy. Moreover, I’m a huge supporter of Roger’s Humanistic theory and Glasser’s subsequent Reality therapy. Condensed down, I’m of a belief that humans are capable of using free choice and can 100% obtain change through ongoing support and motivation work. It’s really and truly back to Radical Acceptance- the idea that your situation is what it is and, within reason, you can enhance it through some form of change.

How do we do this? Well… change ultimately comes from within. As a therapist, I can’t make anyone do anything. I can’t get you that promotion; I can’t divorce your partner for you; and I certainly can’t get you to push through your ambivalence without your collaboration. Once you’ve decided to enter into this partnership, we have to delve into whyyou feel so ambivalent in the first place.

The reasons behind ambivalence are extensive. It could be a fear of the unknown- what happens if I let go of (perceived) control and “give in”? It could be conflicting needs- I want to be loved and also be loved on my terms! It could even be enjoyment of behaviors- I know alcohol impairs my judgments and yet I love the experience it gives me.

Once we figure out why, then we figure out the what. What are your values? How do you want to live life and what truths do you want to practice? We could have an entire article on values, which in fact, we might! But for time sake, we’ll just say the exploration of your values is essential to this work on motivation with ambivalence. In fact, learning your values is imperative to assessing what would truly motivate you to change. Nothing says motivation like realizing your behaviors represent the exact opposite of what you want.

All in all, the use of ambivalence in the therapeutic environment is sometimes helpful as it leads to further self-growth and self-knowledge. With a little luck, it could even lead to lasting change implemented by your ultimate goals and needs. This is certainly something everyone will feel and experience on some level, so never fear should it happen to you. Just remember you might figure out the why and the what before you can truly commit to change. And don’t forget to engage your therapist- as it’s like I always say… we all need help once in a while, and there is absolutely no shame or judgment here.  It is what it is, and hopefully, we can make some change together.