Taking Responsibility as a Skill
Make the Decision.
In the middle of my most recent argument with my partner, they indicated that I am always pointing out their flaws and mistakes. My initial reaction was that they were deflecting and trying to get me to back away from my stance to look at my own flaws. Now, this is not the recommended way to argue (that’s a whole ‘nother post) as we call that the “kitchen sink argument” in the biz. But it did give me pause as I was just working with a client earlier on taking responsibility.
Why is this concept so hard? Why is it so difficult to look at your behavior and the reaction it elicited, and just take responsibility for it? This reminds me of the anger concerns we discussed earlier wherein we tend to experience anger when confronted with anger. However, I think it went deeper than that for me in this moment. I think it went to the root of most mental health concerns: “control”.
What do I mean?
Well, take this argument I’m having with my partner, for example. I want our relationship to be smooth sailing (read: conflict free, ha!), and I want my needs met holistically (double ha!). Without taking another whole human person into account, this means I want to control exactly how my relationship works based upon my needs and desires. This is both counterintuitive to a partnership and yet entirely human. Logically I know a relationship must balance two peoples needs through compromise and engagement for it to sustain and maintain. Emotionally I want my cake and eat it too.
How do we marry these two together? Is that even possible?
Well, the first thing we have to do is understand we cannot control anyone other than ourselves. Once we’ve accepted this as fact, we can move on to more productive work on our engagement practices. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT for short, introduces the idea that we have two sometimes opposing mindsets that need to be married into one. This is logic mind and emotion mind, and together they make WISE MIND. Wise mind is the balance of your emotional needs and your logical assessments working together to make a decision on your next action/reaction. This also includes taking responsibility for your actions/inactions regardless of how you feel about it.
Have you ever heard the saying “The road to hell is paved in good intentions”? While somewhat abrasive, this saying is actually a good reminder about how intentions play a minimal role in effective interpersonal functioning. So you experienced a spike of (justified) anger at someone’s behavior and gave your partner/parent/friend/coworker a good chewing out, with the intention of informing them of their behavior and how it impacted you. Intentionally speaking, you’re doing them a service and potentially preserving the relationship. Interpersonally speaking, you might’ve just sparked a conflict that neither of you have wanted nor adequately prepared for.
More specifically, if you confronted a person and they reacted to your behavior negatively, you have to take responsibilityfor this. Sure, you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings. Sure, it’s unfair that the turns have tabled. But this relationship might not move past this interaction unless you accept this reality and take responsibility for your actions. This doesn’t mean you have to regret your choice or even drop the conversation! This merely means you validate their experience and then move forward with reiterating your point in a more effective way. Let me give you a playwright example.
You: Mom, you didn’t do your taxes correctly! What is wrong with you? Let me do this! (gruff voice)
Mom: How rude!! I am a grown woman; I’ll have you know. Why are you treating me like a child?!
You (realizing her reaction to your earlier comment): Oh… Mom, I am sorry. I didn’t mean for that comment to come out offensively. I am worried about your taxes and got overwhelmed thinking about redoing them. Can we try again?
Mom (hopefully seeing your follow-up favorably): No problem we can talk about this. Just please, don’t use that tone of voice with me- it’s disrespectful!
In this rather dramatic version of events, we used ineffective communication that created a negative impact on another. The optimal choice would be to validate their experience and then retry your statement with more specific and conscientious communication. While I recognize many of you might read this and say, who talks like that?! I’m not doing that!, I do want you to know that this type of communication is the best at creating small possibility for conflict. It also is best practices if you’re trying to preserve your relationship or navigating strict social boundaries (e.g. work conflict). By all means, if you’re not worried about either, go to town! Just remember that while you can certainly say whatever you’d like (to an extent), they can also enact strict or harsh boundaries that might go against your interests.
At the end of the day, interpersonal functioning is a volatile tango that experiences a myriad of factors that can sway it either way. While you cannot control other people, you can certainly learn to manage your behaviors and actions in response to situations. Choosing more optimal avenues of reaction will likely be in your favor should you be trying to achieve a favorable and enriching outcome. Sometimes it’ll truly come down to the decision whether to prioritize your self-respect over your relationships, and that’s something you’ll have to live with regardless of the decision.
